Nasty & Wicked:
Having trouble sorting out your Edwards, Henrys, Georges and Richards? Check
out our Kings & Queens reference guide for help.
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William the Conqueror was not a popular king, especially in the north of
England. In fact he was a right STINKER! Shortly after his coronation, there was
a rebellion in the north and hundreds of his Normans were killed. Will moved
fast. According to a 12th century historian: - He fell on the English in the
North like a lion on its prey. He ordered that their houses, food, tools and
belongings should be burnt and large herds of their cattle should be butchered.
Thousands died of starvation.
Fate would write the final chapter. During the siege of Mantes, William's horse
stepped on a hot cinder and stumbled, throwing William forward in the saddle.
It's believed that he may have ruptured his bladder in the process. One thing is
known for sure; the Conqueror died in agony. [September,1087]
His funeral in the Abbey of St. Stephen at Caen, France was a horrific disaster.
The stone tomb prepared for him was too small and the body, fast decomposing in
the heat had swelled. The bearers, in attempting to force the corpse into the
hole, burst it open. The smell was so bad that the priests rushed through the
funeral service, then ran!
If you're looking for his tomb, forget it. It was vandalised in the 16th
century. His queen, Matilda of Flanders, suffered the same fate. The Calvinists
desecrated her tomb in the Abbey of the Holy Trinity in Caen in 1562. It was
restored in a simple fashion in time to be destroyed again during the French
Revolution.
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Catherine Howard - physical appearance - short, rather fat and twenty-one years
of age when she married King Henry VIII. He was forty-nine. Upon learning of her
scandalous past he burst into tears to the great consternation of his Council.
He had assumed she was a virgin you see and remained none the wiser since he was
unable to consumate their marriage. Catherine Howard - character - venal and
vacuous. She died well though.
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King Edward IV - described as tall, handsome, autocratic, energetic and
exuberantly sensual! Obviously not one bit like his brother, King Richard III!
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James I was extremely fond of blood sports, especially bear-baiting. He was also
obsessed with lions so naturally he thought it would be fun to watch a bear and
a lion fight. Fortunately the two animals, not being natural enemies, refused to
engage each other and the contest was a flop. As a monarch, James was a flop
too. Aptly described as 'the wisest fool in Christendom', he was ill-mannered
and coarse and a physical and moral coward. Considering his mother's (Mary Queen
of Scots) good looks and his father (Henry, Lord Darnley), James somehow managed
to miss out in both the charm and good looks departments. Not surprising that it
was rumoured that he was a changeling. In fairness though it must be added that
poor James suffered from the 'royal malady' porphyria and he was also an
alcoholic. He died of kidney failure, age 59.
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Charles I was convicted of treason by a margin of just one vote. Call it what
you will, but it's regicide and ultimately Oliver Cromwell would pay the price
for this 'cruel necessity'. When the king's head was severed from his body, a
great groan went up from the assembled crowd and people pressed forward to soak
their handkerchiefs in the royal blood. Charles's coffin was carried to its
final resting place at Windsor covered by a black velvet cloth. On the way it
began to snow and the black cover turned white. 'White for innocence,' many
superstitious people muttered.
Charles is buried between Henry VIII and his third wife, Jane Seymour although
it wasn't until 1813 that his coffin was found, the site confirmed by Sir Henry
Halford who helped himself to the king's neck-bone, his pointed beard and a
tooth! It wasn't until 1888 - 75 years later! - that these relics were returned
to their lawful owner!
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Henry VIII was so upset when his second wife Anne Boleyn produced a daughter
(Elizabeth), he refused to attend the child's christening.
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Despite the fact that Charles II was one of the most attractive of all monarchs
to ascend the British throne, he would fail to provide a legitimate heir and the
crown would eventually pass to his brother, James. Certainly Charles did his
duty by his 'not very charming yet a good, modest and innocent' wife, Catherine
of Braganza, but it was obvious after numerous miscarriages, that she was unable
to 'bring forth'. Perhaps because she felt that she had let the team down, she
maintained a dignified attitude towards her husband's string of mistresses and
illegitimate children.
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James II's attempts to turn Britain back into a Roman Catholic country went over
like a lead balloon, which probably explains why he was nicknamed 'Dim-witted
Jim'. After three years on the throne he escaped to France, dropping the Great
Seal of England into the Thames on his way out. Various plans to regain his
throne came to naught so he finally settled down (in France) dividing his time
between extending his family by his second wife Mary of Modena and religious
observances. He died quietly of a cerebral haemorrhage in 1701 and was buried
first in the Church of the English Benedictines in Paris (a nice touch), before
being removed to the parish church of St. Germain, where his tomb was eventually
destroyed during the French Revolution. That, in retrospect, is even a nicer
touch!
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Reality is often more horrific than what is written in textbooks. Take the death
of King Harold at Hastings for instance [1066 and all that]. Poor King Harold
was indeed brought low by an arrow which pierced his right eye but that's not
what killed him. Four knights in the service of William, later called the
Conqueror, arrived just in time to dispatch their lord's enemy in great style.
The first knight stabbed Harold through the heart, the second decapitated him,
the third scattered his entrails and the fourth, obviously arriving too late to
deliver the coup de grâce, contented himself by merely cutting off Harold's leg.
It remained for Harold's mistress (Edith 'Swan-neck') to gather him together
once more and see to his burial, supposedly at Waltham Abbey, Essex.
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To an absolute monarch, the concept of being gathered by the Grim Reaper like
the lowest-born felon on the street was a shocking thought. To even mention it -
a treasonable idea. So it's not surprising that neither King Henry VIII nor his
daughter Queen Elizabeth I gave it due consideration. Waking up dead must have
come as quite a surprise to both of them! When old Henry lay on his deathbed,
his Groom of the Stole, one Sir Anthony Denny plucked up sufficient courage to
suggest that it might be a good idea to call for a priest. Henry replied that he
had no need of one yet. He slept for a time, awoke just prior to midnight unable
to speak [shame] and died two hours later.
Liz took it one step further by refusing to go to bed at all. When it was
suggested that 'to content the people she must go to bed,' she stoutly replied
'Little man, little man. The word must is not to be used to princes!'
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Henry VIII last wife, Catherine Parr was engaged to be married to the king's
brother-in-law Thomas Seymour but old Henry took her for himself. Fortunately
for Catherine, Henry died less than four years later and she finally married
Thomas. Actually she married a total of four times.
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Dr. Maclaurin, in his book Mere Mortals, suggested that perhaps Mary Tudor
('Bloody' Mary) was a hereditary syphilitic based on the portraits of her. Her
husband, Philip of Spain, complained about a disgusting odour emanating from her
nose which suggests syphilitic rhinitis, accompanied by bone ulceration and the
formation of malodorous crusts. As an interesting postscript, Philip launched
his 'Spanish Armada' in an attempt to claim the English throne based on his
marriage to Mary. He died, age 71, in the monastic palace of El Escorial in
Madrid, after a lengthy and painful illness; a pathetic sight, covered in boils
and vermin.
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James I (1566-1625) has been described as physically unattractive, ill-mannered,
coarse and a physical and moral coward. There is even a hint that his affections
tended to centre on his own sex although he did manage to father five children
by his wife Queen Anne of Denmark who was no raving beauty. James tried to
impose the concept of 'divine will'; that a monarch was answerable only to God.
Not a popular idea. It might have worked on the Continent but England at least
had gone too far down the road to Constitutional Monarchy for that and
ultimately the son - Charles - would pay the price for his father's arrogance
and stupidity.
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Eleanor of Aquitaine. Her first husband was Louis VII, King of France. By him
she had two daughters but the marriage was not a happy one, especially when she
accompanied her husband on crusade. Her shocking behavior (including rumors of
an affair with Saladin, amongst others) so enraged her husband that an annulment
of the marriage was granted on the convenient grounds of consanguinity. In 1152
Henry, Duke of Normandy and Count of Anjou and Maine (later England's King Henry
II) was seduced by her. She was thirty; he was nineteen when they were married.
A large family of five sons and three daughters were born over the next fifteen
years. Perhaps the most famous offspring - Richard I (Lionheart). Eleanor
delighted in pitting first one son and then another against the father.
Exasperated by her continual interference, Henry finally had her imprisoned,
moving her from place to place under heavy guard, chalking up a total of fifteen
years of her long life tucked quietly away. Eleanor died age eighty-two. It
would be seven hundred years before a queen consort would attain or exceed such
a great age.
[Saladin, by the way, was still a child when Eleanor was in the Holy Land, so
that is one rumour that can be consigned to the rubbish bin.]
Rosamund Clifford, mistress and true love of Henry II, died in 1176 in the
nunnery of Godstow. She was interred before the convent altar. Her tomb became a
shrine of sorts and was carefully tended by the nuns who followed to the letter
King Henry's last, loving requests for his 'Fair Rosamund'. Two years after the
king's death Bishop St Hugh of Lincoln visited Godstow, no doubt at Eleanor's
request. He was horrified at that idea of a 'harlot' enjoying such privileges
and promptly had the body removed to the cemetry.
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Berengaria of Navarre: Queen consort to Richard I, they were childhood friends
although it is said that Richard loved her brother Sancho more. It's doubtful if
their marriage was ever consummated. Whether or not the Lionheart was indeed a
homosexual is sheer conjecture. What is known is that his failure to produce an
heir would change the course of English history. Enter Prince John …
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Richard I Coeur de Lion (Lionheart) died from complications following an arrow
wound to his right shoulder. His physician - Marchadeus - botched the job and
the wound became gangrenous. So outranged was Richard's mother, the redoubtable
Eleanor, she ordered Machadeus' execution a few days later.
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Isabella of Angouleme (1188-1246): Queen consort to King John. She was betrothed
to Hugh de Lusignan, son and heir to the Count of La Marche when she caught
John's eye. Her parents, seeing obvious advantages, connived with the Archbishop
of Bordeaux, who quite happily set the betrothal aside and married the girl to
the newly crowned King of England. No problem there except the bride was only
twelve years old; the groom thirty-three! Seven years later her eldest son, the
future Henry III, was born. By John she would eventually have a total of five
children. As a husband, King John must have been a trial. Unfaithful himself, he
was extremely jealous of his wife's flirtatious ways. Having inherited every
ounce of his father's horrific temper, it is reasonable to assume that Isabella
was not entirely happy or content as queen. After John's death, Isabella
returned to her native city of Angouleme, met and married her old fiancé (she
was thirty-two by then) and settled in to have five more sons and three
daughters.
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Isabella, the 'She-wolf of France' (1295-1358): Queen consort of Edward II. King
Edward II was so fond of his favourite Piers Gaveston that he gave him all of
the wedding gifts bestowed on him by his new father-in-law. I doubt if this
pleased his bride, the infamous Isabella. It should be noted however that,
despite everything, Isabella did manage to produce two sons and two daughters so
we can only assume that Edward, unlike Richard the Lionheart, did have some
understanding of the importance of succession.
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Edward the Martyr (975-979). Crowned king at age 13, he was murdered near Corfe
Castle (Dorset) compliments of his stepmother Elfrida. Motive? Elfrida's son
Ethelred II (the Unready) became king. It has also been suggested that
Stepmother Elfrida tried to seduce the young king in the hope of becoming queen
(again) but young Edward disdained her advances. It was an unwise move. In
fairness Ethelred was just a kid at the time and his mother did try to make
amends by living out her days as a nun, passing away peacefully in the year
1000.
Back to Edward. Initially he was buried in Wareham on the q.t. but some rather
embarrassing miracles began to happen so he was repotted in Shaftesbury, this
time with due ceremony. Now comes the sad bit. In 1931 his bones were found and
examined. Cause of death? - stabbed in the back and then dragged along the
ground by his horse after his foot caught in the stirrup. Let's move from sad to
tragic. His bones currently reside in a vault at the Midland Bank in Croydon,
near London!
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Queen Victoria's grandson Prince Albert Victor (Duke of Clarence) was considered
of limited intelligence with, shall we say, deviant social tendencies and caused
no end of worry for everyone since he was heir. Whether he actually suffered
from the 'Royal Malady' is unknown. He may have died too young (28) for the
disease to become obvious although his behaviour was so strange that it has been
suggested that he may have been Jack the Ripper although this is highly
unlikely. His death (typhoid in 1892), paved the way for his younger brother
George (V) who was a much better prospect. Prince Albert Victor is buried
beneath a magnificent marble effigy in the Albert Memorial Chapel attached to
St. George's Chapel (Windsor). The Chapel was restored and redecorated by Queen
Victoria in 1863 as a temporary resting place for her beloved husband, Prince
Albert.
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